A Window to Thoughts and Progress

I've been doing a lot of thinking recently about life, what it means to be part of this world, and my role in the great story of consciousness and its evolution.

During college all I wanted to do was learn finance, work at an investment bank, make a shit-ton of money very quickly, pay off student loans, then start my own company. In being an entrepreneur I could do whatever I want, be more philanthropic, be a good person, whatever. But I realized how the whole plan was a crock of shit from the get go.

What I learned is that my desire to make money quickly is merely a reaction to my father. Ever since I was eight years old my father has stressed about money. There were many years where our family was very well off, we traveled and ate nice dinners and the kids got to go to nice summer programs. As the years went on, my father's company slowly went down the drain, while my father's stress levels went through the roof. Incapable of separating work problems from family relationships, he brought his stress and anger into our household and absolutely destroyed the sanctuary of love and laughter that we called our home.

I figured if I made boat-loads of money I could avoid the problems my father encountered. By being wealthy, I wouldn't have to stress about money and take it out on my family. My naive thinking was leading me down the exact same path as my father. By going into investment banking, I would invite enormous amounts of money-related stress into my everyday life. My main concern on a daily basis would be regarding how much money I made, whether directly or indirectly. Stress, money, deadlines, rinse, wash, repeat. There is no light down that road. Maybe years down that pathI could finally come out of the whole shabang with a few dollars and a great network with which to start a good-hearted company. But would there be any good heart left in me? I would have to put everything that matters to me on hold while working as a banker. Fuck that.

So now I'm in India, procrastinating getting a real job and trying to figure out what actually has meaning to me. So far I've learned that money is power and that I do actually want to make a good amount, but not at the cost of quality of life. I've learned that I am a spiritual being, and that more important than my physical needs are my spiritual needs. My higher being needs to be fed in the form of YOGA, MEDITATION, FULFILLING WORK, READING, WRITING, PAINTING, METAPHYSICAL CONVERSATION, CONSCIOUS RAP, SPIRIT JOURNEYS, and DANCE, among other things. If I am to fully engage my spirit being, then the things I can indulge in and abstain from must change. First, I must make a choice. How much of life do I want to live spiritually, and do I want to leave any room for my material being? Can I drink alcohol, and if so, when is it ok? If I attend a party, must there be some higher purpose involved? Can I spend all day lounging around? Surely not. I must live impeccably, every day, because a grand shift in human consciousness looms just around the corner. That or my death, whichever comes first.

The goal is to attain enlightenment, and to do so in this lifetime. I have been lucky enough to experience kensho, which is a glimpse of the true nature of existence, and because of this I no longer need faith. Direct experience has shown me the divinity of sentient life and the great unfolding story of cosmic manifestation and conscious evolution. I know that my role in this world has greater meaning than how much money I make, how much stress I endure, or what material obstacles I overcome. I understand now that money, glory, fame, and even knowledge mean nothing in the long run - only true knowledge, or wisdom, lasts. So it all comes back to the penultimate question in life, the only question that has ever really mattered, or so it seems at this stage of my philosophical quest for understanding:

How is life to be lived?

Holy shit, that's the craziest question of all time. I'll have to get back to you with a sketch of an answer. Please, please, please, leave your comments and help me in our mutual quest for Truth.